Here's why some people develop the false belief that they are unlovable—and how they can start to let it go
. You feel unlovable. Defectiveness is the official schema therapy term, but I call it the “I’m unlovable” schema.childhood
When children are young and utterly dependent on adults for care, they don’t understand bad parenting or abuse—and they need to make sense of why they are being treated poorly. So they often tragically conclude that there must be something defective about themselves. Discipline can quickly tip into a tone of contempt, frustration, disappointment, and impatience—a toxic cocktail that leaves the child feeling rejected and unloved, and thinking “There must be something wrong with me.” Parents or caregivers fall into a pattern of resenting the child for having needs and blaming them for it. Worse, when children are physically and/or sexually abused, just the fact of being abused can leave a child feeling a stamp of defectiveness and intense shame.
You are drawn to people who are abusive or who mistreat you, leaving you feeling hopeless about relationships.
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