Here's how to have a conversation about sex with your partner, according to psychotherapist Vanessa Marin
be talking about sex in your relationship. When you’re up late at night, Googling your most intimate and embarrassing challenges, it’s the piece of advice you always see at the end of every article. Your sex drives are wildly mismatched? Talk about it. You’ve been in a dry spell for so long you can’t remember the last time you were intimate? Talk about it. You want your partner to stop doing that thing in the bedroom you secretly hate? You guessed it: talk about it.
Here’s a trick you can use to soften your delivery. Imagine that you’re talking to a friend instead of your partner. Most of us listen to our friends more closely, and we have lower expectations and more patience for them. We tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, and we don’t get as triggered by what they say or do. Imagine one of your best friends in front of you when you’re talking to your partner, and watch your communication transform.
This also helps you identify the feelings that are coming up for you. Your feelings are what need tending to when you’re upset, not the actual details of what happened. Here’s a great example: If you say, “You haven’t initiated sex in months,” your partner is going to respond with something like, “Yes, I have! I did three weeks ago.” Then the conversation turns into a debate about exactly how many weeks it’s been since they initiated. “No, it’s been months.
So, slow down! Sometimes I even tell my clients, “Have a conversation at 50% of your usual speed.” Another practical trick is to make yourself take a deep breath before every sentence you speak. This naturally slows you down and helps you relax.Just kidding! “Always” and “never” are two of the least helpful words for couples. Let’s just get one thing out of the way first: it’s extremely rare in life for something tohappen. It’s just not accurate language.
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