A dad-of-one speaks to us openly and honestly about the things he wishes he knew before getting a divorce.
It’s late on a cold Monday evening in March, I’m sitting on the armrest of the couch leaning forward in numb disbelief as she drops the ‘D’ bomb. I look at the fireplace with its welcoming flicker and tell myself it will be a long time before I have a home again.We were married for four years with one young child and had just bought a house. I guess nothing untoward motivated our split– we were both just unhappy.
Our judicial separation took 13 months and 9 formal negotiation sessions. Interestingly in Ireland, the majority of separations are initiated by women, but unlike the UK, we lack any real guidelines around splitting assets or child support. This results in the family law court being a theatre and we are but actors in a play. The judge can rule any way they like, so you’d better hope they like you.
After a few weeks of feeling sorry for myself, a lawyer gave me a sympathetic smile and told me, “you’ve lost buddy, the only question is, by how much?”Unless there is infidelity or abuse, the judge is not Jerry Springer. Leave your emotional spats out of court. We’re told the needs of the child are put first, but make no mistake, this feels like a punishment for the hurt and disappointment you’ve caused each other. If I had listened to my ex and tried to understand her pain, her struggle, her fears rather than showing her my multiple spreadsheets, I’m sure I would have saved enough on legal fees to buy Greenland.
Each of you should disclose your true earnings and savings. But it turns out the truth is subjective. If you are dishonest and this is found out, it opens back up the assets and maintenance for discussion after the divorce. So being super transparent is a protection mechanism. What if your ex is entirely dishonest on the affidavit you ask? Recently, the family law courts, in their wisdom, created yet another layer of an already convoluted process called ‘vouching’.
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