Advice: A reader struggles with feelings of anger and rejection after their wife says she doesn’t want to have sex anymore.
But now, many, many years later, I am 10 years into my marriage, and sex dropped off dramatically seven years ago after our first child was born. It started again as we worked on a second child, and since she was born, my spouse tells me that she has no libido.
I’ve asked her whether it is something I’ve done. I’ve tried to stay in shape , but that hasn’t changed the situation. She assures me that it isn’t about me. She is in therapy for depression, is on medication and does additional treatments, and she is aware that she doesn’t want to have sex anymore. She doesn’t even want to touch me, and when we try, she gets upset.
My response to your question is different now than it would have been 10 years ago. Then, I think I would have advised that if you and your partner couldn’t come to an agreement about sex, and that if it’s a fundamental incompatibility that’s causing you both grief, pain and shame, then you should find more compatible partners.
Anyway, before trying “something different,” I think it would be helpful if you both went to a therapist,. You have guilt and shame about sex, undoubtedly influenced by your current predicament and the old trauma of feeling rejected during your first long-term partnership. And perhaps there’s something psychological or physiological happening that’s affecting your wife’s libido.Also — and perhaps most importantly — there’s a vast communication deficit happening here.
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