“I wasn’t sure what appetizers you liked, so I just stuck to tried-and-true crowd-pleasers: spoonfuls of yeast, powdered-egg pops, and baby formula that I’ve been hoarding since the late ’80s.”
Justice Sotomayor gets really into it. She’s definitely our top gavel-spinner. Spin the Gavel is usually followed by Would We Miss You? The answer is always no, because we spend too much time together and these robes aren’t breathable. Then we play a few rounds of Which Pervert? We pull big, no-no allegations out of a hat and try to guess if each can be ascribed to Justice Kavanaugh or Justice Thomas. It gets super tricky because they’re both perverts.
Welp, looks like it’s time to make horrific small talk. So, Ke-tan-jay, you were a public defender. Wowzers. Haven’t had a public defender in these chambers since Thurgood Marshall. If it makes you feel any better, someone like me ruined his welcome party, too. Man, if I could only crack open a bottle of 1989 Gerber newborn formula—the good stuff—and pick both of your public-defender brains.
I heard that you’re not into the coercion of criminal defendants, which is wild, because that’s, like, one of my favorite parts of the legal system. We’re like the next Scalia-Ginsburg—this is gonna be a blast. No, but actually, we do have a lot in common. Like how your parents overcame segregation and devoted their lives to equitable education and how my parents overcame nothing and devoted their lives to making sure that oil companies could legally continue contaminating the ocean.
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