'That was the last distinct memory I had before I stopped questioning things. That was the last time I felt my gut truly say, There is something wrong here,' writes _yumi_nu
Photo: Yumi Nu I don’t have a specific memory of when I gave my life to Christ. I do recall, as a teenager, desiring the same thing I saw in people around me who had devoted themselves to a higher power: radiance. These people, to this day, are some of the kindest I have ever met, and I wanted to give that same kindness back to the world.
A few students who voted for the opposite opinion groaned and argued under their breath, but most others nodded, raising their hands to add to the discussion. That was the last distinct memory I had before I stopped questioning things. That was the last time I felt my gut truly say, There is something wrong here.
My church’s biggest obsession was sex. There were endless sermons on sex, the holiness of marriage, and chastity. As a teenager, I attended so many purity conferences and “women’s studies” sessions led by my community because I was going through puberty and needed answers. Time and again, I was informed that any sexual desire, even if it was just a single thought, was wrong and that such fantasies were put in our heads by Satan.
In Orange County, there was Austin. He came out to me during my sophomore year. In the months after, I was with him when he shared the same with his Christian mother; I was with him as he cried at her insistence that “this is a choice,” and I was with him when he got expelled from our school for “violating the honor code” with his sexuality.
When we sat down, I observed the room, noticing that several guests were drinking alcohol. The sight made my heart drop since it was unthinkable in Orange County. As the night went on, I would overhear conversations about people partying the night before or catching up on someone’s latest hookup story. Each time, a shock came over me. Are these people for real? Am I in the right place?
At this point in life — after years of friendships and heartbreaking moments witnessed with Evan, Austin, and many others — I felt a shift in myself realigning with who I really was deep down. Now, at 21, the fear was loosening from my neck, and I sipped my first breath of fresh air.Around that time, a member of my church in California had moved to Las Vegas to start his own congregation, so Owin and I visited it together.
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