PHILADELPHIA—A psychotic study authored by deranged researchers at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed Thursday that “the bricks…the bricks are goddamned everywhere.”
The bricks are reportedly most powerful at night, cannot be destroyed, and, researchers said, only talk whenever they form a face—typically that of a parent or former schoolteacher—and even then only use their mortar-formed mouths to let out a high-pitched shriek or emit a low, monotone laugh.
Every day, the demented survey confirmed, 10 million more bricks are created “sexually, asexually, it doesn’t really fucking matter how, now does it? Because they’re there and they’re not leaving until they get what they came for.”“The bricks are communicating with one another, no question about it,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Paul Gilpin, who was one of three researchers on the five-person team who didn’t commit suicide by the time the report was released.
“Either way,” Dr. Gilpin added, “the bricks have indicated that they would like me to kill my family this evening, and I will do so.”While authorities nationwide have confirmed no sightings of 5,000-foot brick walls suddenly appearing out of nowhere or armies of bricks camping outside one’s front door waiting for the homeowner to emerge, researchers said there are a few tactics one can employ so as not to frustrate or anger the bricks.
One, the unhinged study said, is to be quiet around the bricks. Second, screaming makes them nervous. And third, if one is going to feed the bricks, fruit is best.“One thing we discovered is that there are evil bricks and good bricks,” said visibly unnerved researcher Dr. Erin Lorimer, adding that several nights ago the bricks appeared and formed a 50-foot well around her, leaving her at the bottom with no escape. “Unfortunately, the evil bricks far outnumber the good bricks.
“I don’t think they want to govern; that doesn’t seem like them,” Dr. Lorimer said. “My fear is that they are happy doing exactly what they are doing. Terrorizing us. Tormenting us. Letting us know that, no matter what, they are in charge, they have the upper hand.”
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