SoberQuestioning: 'I feel near-suicidal guilt for the hurt that I have caused, and I don’t know how to live with it. How do you move forward if there is no way of repairing the damage done?' anamariecox responds
I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when I drink. I get angry and lash out and verbally attack. I have hurt SO many people whom I dearly love, and I have permanently damaged many relationships. I have had enough and am ready to quit.
I sought out people who had gone through what I was going through and they listened when I sobbed out my horrible stories and wailed about the impossibility of redemption. All of them replied with some version of the same thing: “Don’t think about that shit. Just get through today.” Self-hatred was more comfortable and more familiar than the terrifying prospect of honest appraisal and genuine atonement.
Most of the time — seriously, most of the time — the person I wanted to make amends with said something like, “Just stay sober. That’s all I want.” On the other hand, I also had someone tell me that there was nothing I could do to make things better and not to call again. In that case, I have to remember that dwelling in shame won’t do anything but make me feel like having a drink. I have to live with knowing I did what I could.
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