Gone are the days when you breeze out of your apartment with nothing but your Kate Spade clutch and the wind in your hair.
Motherhood is a truly beautiful thing – with chaos around the edges. It’s about pretending we have our stuff together while storing endless crumby snacks in our handbags. In my case, just as I was getting the hang of having a tiny human stuck to me 24/7 – we made the decision to have another one because… hormones.
Of course, their velvety little feet and gummy smiles are beyond worth it, but nobody prepares you for the expedition it takes to leave the house with two in tow. So pull up your big-girl maternity pants – here’s our handy and not-at-all-complicated guide to getting up and out for the weekend with your tiny brood.Look up the hourly weather forecast.someone elseLook them up online and add them to cart — which has 56 items. Gaze lovingly at your sleeping newborn and try to calculate backwards the times of his next nap and feed.Ask your toddler when the baby is due to have his next nap while she ignores you and continues to unwrap your entire box of tampons.Find a calculator and tell him that his estimate is wrong and all men are STUPID. Remember that you are hormonal and that husband is a wonderful person and, actually, he was right, you carry the five. Have a shower in which you hear your baby crying constantly , while your toddler pats your belly and shouts ‘squishy mummy’ on repeat.Spend 10 minutes mesmerised by his little face and happy smiles.Remove toddler from nail varnish. Pack a bag with the following: Snacks for you, pads , changing mat, spit cloths, change of clothes , change of clothes , change of clothes for toddler, bottles, teething ring, sterilising tablets , hand sanitizer, toys, phone, more snacks, charger, Peppa pig phone, nappy bags, another change of clothes , baby book, deodorant, hairbrush, that concealer, wellies, baby’s rainjacket, toddler’s rainjacket, baby’s summer hat, toddler’s summer hat, mosquito repellent, sun cream, wipes x 3 packets, box of nappies, Vaseline, keys.Burp his royal cuteness.Make triangle-shaped lunch for the toddler.Pop into your bedroom to scream into your pillow.Take 30 seconds to eat your fifth slice of toast of the day.Snuggle baby into his warmest star suit and woolly hat.Ring your mum to ask her if snowsuits are advisable in this weather .Wipe three bums.Sniff two bums.Heave the pram into the boot of your car.Hesitate, then bung in the star suit, the bouncy chair, picnic basket and cushions.Drive at exactly 15 kilometres per hour because… precious cargo! Spend 25 minutes unpacking the car, 35 minutes taking cute pictures of the kids in the park in various positions and 3 minutes wolfing down a sausage roll. All hell inevitably breaks loose – the toddler hands you a poo, your breasts start projectile leaking, and it starts lashing rain.Clamour into the back of the car and feed baby while toddler howls in your ear because you won’t let him drive the car home.Sit in car, holding hands with lovely hubby and whisper about what amazing children you make together.This article was originally published in January 2022.
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