You can’t judge me more than I have already judged myself.
favorite stuffed dinosaur tightly against my chest, it’s bright blue cloth reflecting off the shiny grey elevator walls. He had just been admitted to the hospital the night before, and my head was pounding from the 13 hours in the ER. Technically, this place was a hospital., but its grey exterior was reminiscent of former Soviet office buildings. The view inside was no different. Inside lacked the bright painted walls I had experienced in other places.
My son, Dominic, was born in 2006 with deletions on his 15th chromosome. When he was 3 weeks old he was violently shaken up to 4 different times over the course of 2 weeks. One night he stopped breathing and his life changed forever. When admitted to the hospital he had multiple broken ribs, two broken legs, one broken arm, and his brain was bleeding into his spine from 4 different places. I wouldn’t meet Dominic until my partner and I became his third foster home when he was 15 months old.
Instead, I tried to change his diaper on his bed. His backside is dirty from dried poop that had traveled up his back stuck in tiny dried spots on his shoulder blades. I said, unapologetically, how could this happen? I asked one of the random available counselors to point me to the shower. After Dominic’s shower I loudly inquired why he hadn’t been assigned a 1:1 caregiver as I requested.
The psychiatrist was a small-framed man in his fifties. He wore a salmon-colored polo shirt and loosely pleated khakis. Before we could share any pleasantries he immediately told us he doesn’t believe my son has a seizure disorder. I remained silent, even though I knew it was not his medical specialty, and none of his business. He wanted to take him off all his medication.
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