Ask Roe: I keep going back to a man who is bad for me – how do I cut him off?, via IrishTimesLife
You also don’t need to prove anything to this man because he hasn’t proven that he is worthy of you, and isn’t offering you anything that is good for you. He is paying attention to you because when he texts you, you respond to him and have sex with him. That’s it. That’s why he’s not asking you on dates or seeking a relationship with you. He is using you to get what he wants.
I know that’s hard to hear because you think you like him, and I’m sorry for the pain that you’re in. But accepting this will give you the freedom you need right now. This man will never give you the care, respect or relationship you want, which means you no longer have to keep trying to please him. You no longer have to keep acting in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself. You can just be you, and leave, and get the space you need to start to feel better about yourself.
“Unfortunately I gave in and had sex” is a really depressing sentence. It sounds like everything was consensual, but the idea of having sex when you know it’s out of alignment with what you want; when it’s with a person who doesn’t treat you the way you want; and when you are already judging yourself for it is just a really hard emotional space to put yourself in – not just once, but repeatedly.
If you were actually enjoying your casual sexual connection with this person, if you had accepted that they are not emotionally available or looking for a relationship and you were fine with that, and were simply enjoying some physical fun while either continuing to look for someone more suitable to date or remaining happily single, then I’d be happy for you. But the phrase “unfortunately I gave in and had sex” is so telling.
You need to do three things, and they all involve reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for the choices you are making. Right now, it may feel like this man has all the power in this dynamic, but that’s not true. You are making choices too, and you already know how these choices make you feel bad about yourself.
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