Darkness settles around me and I can’t see beyond it. My face goes expressionless. I want to cry, but I can’t.
I think about the different ways I could go. I think about sharp objects. I think about swerving my car off the road. I think about stepping into oncoming traffic. I think about pills. I’ve tried that before. Then I think about my sweet son and what he would do without his mama. And I stop myself.
I felt, with the first bars of the music, a hope and an intimation that life would return to my leg — that it would be stirred, and stir, with original movement, and recollect or recreate its forgotten motor melody. I felt, in those first heavenly bars of music, as if the animating and creative principle of the whole world was revealed, that life itself was music, or consubstantial with music; that our living moving flesh, itself, was “solid” music — music made fleshy, substantial, corporeal.
I follow the writer Amber Sparks on Twitter. She tweeted, “You have five minutes until the world ends and you can put anything on speaker or headphones. What do you want to go out listening to? Think fast.” This Christmas, I gifted myself a weighted blanket, which holds me down in a different way than the tongue-depressor depression. I knew I needed the blanket when I started to pop out of bed on time and began cleaning my house like Monica Geller on speed. Also, as of Christmas, my son has accumulated enough little pieces to make the world’s largest LEGO bomb, which has indeed detonated all over my living room floor. Those little pieces just might be the end of me.
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