I’m Pretty Sure Apple Knows We’re All Going To Die Soon

The newly unveiled Watch and iPhone 14 features – car crash detection, satellite emergency calling, extreme weather Watch, all seem a little ominous.

looks like: taking photos of your beautiful friends, biking along a trail with a view of the Pacific Ocean, sharing photos of your beautiful children.

But something was very different this time, something sort of uh, unsettling. Instead of suggesting a gleaming world where everything is only getting better, instead, today we saw Apple’s vision of a future where everything is literally trying to murder us, and death lurks around every ring-closing outdoor jog. And frankly, it’s turning me into an iPrepper.

The event opened with a video montage of people describing moments where the Apple Watch’s ability to call 911 without a phone nearby had saved their lives: a small airplane crash, someone falling through ice, and horrifically — a sanitation worker who accidentally fell into the back of a trash compactor truck . The Apple Watch has had fall detection and heart monitoring for a few years, which are particularly useful for older adults who are more at risk of heart attack or a hip-shattering fall.

Although the watch seems like it’s a fun device for a weekend hobbyist, it’s just as practical for survival in a post-climate-apocalypse. Droughts, tsunamis, avalanches, blackouts, outrunning roving gangs of cannibalistic bandits… this is the Apple Watch Ultra’s time to shine.. For the first time, your regular phone can connect to a satellite when it’s off the cellular grid, allowing you to make emergency calls from the middle of nowhere .

Usually Apple events make me feel a sort of uncomfortable mix of being the pawn of an elaborate advertisement mixed with the more base desire of actually just really wanting whatever cool thing they just showed . This time, it made me feel like I need to start hoarding beans and cans of water in my bunker.

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