'I have made countless bad decisions in my life, but never having children is not one of them. There are other ways to be kind, nurturing and determined to leave the world better than we found it.'
Long before my ill-advised marriage, however, my mother was not happy with my life choices. That evening, I worked up the courage to ask her what she wanted of me.
At a family funeral in 2015, I met one of the children from my mother’s Vermont neighborhood. By then he was a retired college professor; he said, with great delight, “Your mother was my favorite babysitter!” But the infant terrified me. I was convinced he would die in his sleep during my stint; I spent the evening periodically creeping into his room and fearfully watching his tiny chest rise and fall.when the parents came home that I almost refused the payment they gave me. Being relieved of the awful burden of caring for their children seemed payment enough.
As I suspected, my friends’ predictions were off the mark. My maternal instincts never kicked in—not in my 20s, my 30s, or my 40s, as I prepared to wave goodbye to my childbearing years. My older nephew was 3 when my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Four years later, she moved to a nursing home for 24-hour care. After 30 years of living elsewhere and returning only for periodic visits, I moved back to the area where I had grown up to help care for her.
I assured her I had been happy do so, and I meant it. During those years, we became close in a way we never had been before.
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