I feel like I’m drowning and no one is throwing me a life line to save me.
It’s 8:42 pm on a Thursday night and I can’t stop crying. Entire body shaking, snot dripping out of the nose crying. I feel numb. Hopeless. Weak. Sad. Like a failure. Like I just want to go to sleep right now. Like I want to give up, but mostly, alone. So completely alone.
I’m not alone. My husband is sitting on the other couch. He’s hugged me twice in the past 20 minutes and said he loves me. My sister is texting me, asking how the day went and telling me a new show on Netflix to watch. I am not alone by all normal definitions of the word. I have love, and people checking up on me. So why do I feel so utterly and completely alone? Like I’m standing in a room full of people screaming “I’m about to lose my shit!” and no one even sees me. They’re just watching it happen.postpartum anxiety
and bits of depression. It feels different every week. A lot of the time I’m okay — tired and stressed, but okay. Then it hits me like a freight train and I lose it. Tonight my daughter wouldn’t nurse very well. She’s been doing it the past two days. Pulling on and off and crying but then not staying on. It’s beyond frustrating and I immediately feel like a failure atI want to cry out for help. SOS! I’M LOSING IT OVER HERE.
So what do I do? I open up Instagram and scroll. Looking at photos of “friends” and their happy lives and happy kids. Captions like “the best part of my day is snuggling with my baby.” They have a kid two months older than mine. Am I a bad mom? I should really get off Instagram. It’s not good for me sometimes. But then what would I do I all day home alone with the baby? It’s a connection to the world most days when getting out in the actual world with the baby feels so overwhelming.
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