“We are in a time of questioning institutional structures like health care, education, and, yes, monogamy,” says editor michelleruiz
In 2018, the Bhatias, 38-year-old college sweethearts, were following the prescribed path that sex researchers call the “relationship escalator.” They met at the University of Illinois at Chicago, married in 2004, and bought a house they could scarcely afford in the West Loop. Megan underwent three rounds of IVF in three years to welcome their twins, Kira and Sebastian.
Opening their relationship sparked a stream of existential questions for the Bhatias, according to Megan: “Whose life are we living? What do we want?” Entrenched systems were equally open to debate. “We are in a time of questioning institutional structures like health care, education, and, yes, monogamy,” she says, referencing the rise of a vocal, progressive political movement demanding sweeping structural change.
Speaking for myself, as a participant in the suburban migration from New York to Connecticut, I saw a shift too: new friends and neighbors piercing the ennui with titillating talk of swinging, including the rumor that displaying two red Adirondack chairs on one’s front porch, or placing a pineapple in your grocery cart, signals willingness.
Links between the CNM and queer communities abound: The Supreme Court’s legalization of same-sex marriage in 2015 chipped at the foundation of husband-and-wife as gold standard, according to Moors, “allowing us to have conversations about different transformations of family life.” It’s also true that the gay, lesbian, and bisexual communities are twice as likely to practice CNM than their heterosexual counterparts, according to research.
Joli Hamilton, Ph.D., a research psychologist, told me CNM is about “returning agency” to your partner. She and her second husband, Ken, who have seven children between them, live in small-town Massachusetts. They “look like soccer parents,” she says, and when we Zoom she’s in a perky high ponytail and Ken wears a Grinch-printed holiday hoodie—but their shared Google calendar is alight with plans with other partners, mostly friends with benefits, sometimes boyfriends or girlfriends.
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