PEORIA, IL—Explaining that the waste he creates today will still be affecting society in significant ways centuries from now, experts from Northwestern University confirmed Tuesday that local resident Aaron Jacobson’s garbage will have a far greater impact on the world than he will.
Moreover, Jacobson’s discarded cleaning products, batteries, and takeout containers will reportedly have a considerable effect on the political landscape, eventually serving as the source of heated policy discussions and debates—even spurring vast movements of entire civilizations—thousands of years after everything the man has ever said or done has been erased from human society’s collective recollection.
Seeking to further elucidate just how profoundly impactful the man’s garbage will be in relation to Jacobson himself, experts noted that the Styrofoam packing peanuts that the local resident unthinkingly dumped into his trash can earlier today will still be on earth, altering the environment, dictating wildlife population numbers, and consequently upending food chains a million years from now.
“Basically, when the last person on earth with any memory of him dies—which by our calculation, is little more than 50 or 60 years away—the paint cans and single-serve coffee pods he’s thrown out will just be getting started,” Wright continued. “Future generations won’t know the name Aaron Jacobson, but rest assured, his garbage will leave a mark on each and every one of their lives.”
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