I was on a family vacation in 2016 when I hit rock bottom. Everyone was happy, except me
My childhood probably helped normalize my excessive anxiety. When I was a kid, my dad wouldn't take me to the playground because he got too nervous watching other kids climb jungle gyms and swing from monkey bars. What if they fell and cracked their heads open? My mom, who always claimed to be cool and mellow, wouldn't let me talk about anything I felt fortunate for, without wildly waving her hands and shouting"kinehora"—a Yiddish version of"knock on wood.
By my late 30s, I had two children, both have food allergies which became a major source of anxiety. I was living in the suburbs and had given up my corporate job in Manhattan. I never intended to be a stay-at-home mom, but my husband had a more demanding job, and I wanted one of us to be available to the kids. I had an MBA and a great resume, but nothing other than family life to structure my days. I spiraled. I put all my excess energy into exercising and watching what I ate.
I was on a family vacation in 2016 when I hit rock bottom. We had just finished eating at the breakfast buffet. Everyone was happy. Except me; I was completely overwhelmed. We needed to get to the pool to get chairs in both sun and shade so that the kids didn't get sunburned.
Samantha Greene Woodruff experienced debilitating anxiety throughout her life. She finally addressed it with professional help at the age of 41.This psychiatrist was thoughtful and empathetic and asked questions that made me feel like she already knew me. Despite the entirely generic-sounding diagnosis she gave me—"anxiety disorder NOS "—her approach was quite specific, tailored to my individual experience.
It didn't happen all at once but, in small increments, I started to expand my world again. I saw friends in the city. I traveled more with my husband. We went to Japan and Hong Kong for three weeks without our children and I even told him when I was scared that we would die in a plane crash, instead of thinking that was a dirty secret I had to hide.
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