'Now, seven years after my sister’s death by suicide, a national helpline number has been designated for suicide support.'
That Thursday in the middle of March, some part of me already knew.
Mom was in an uncharacteristically good mood, telling stories and asking questions about preposterous things because she couldn’t remember if they had really happened or if she had dreamed them. Lisa and I shared the neutral role that day. Engaging with Mom, trying to connect with Trace. Each of us sisters filed her stories away to dish about them with each other later. We each left from lunch, Tracey walking out a different door than we did.
I turned into the apartment complex from the back entrance and saw lights on in Tracey’s place. My chest folded in on itself in fear; seeing her apartment lit up was not a good omen. The first call I make is to 911. As it connects, I watch Lisa do what I’m too afraid to do. She tears open the plastic bag, freeing Tracey’s face. Lisa feels for a pulse on Tracey’s wrist and recoils from the cold skin. 911 answers and I panic that I can’t remember her address. “It’s my sister. She’s dead. We just found her.”
I want my sister back. I want to return to the last day I saw her, chase her down for the hug and kiss goodbye we didn’t share that day. I want to confront her jagged, brittle energy, ask the questions I’d avoided out of an unspoken bargain we’d struck. Tracey could walk into a room and know immediately how things should be arranged. Together we’d move tall shelves full of books and framed photos without emptying them first. Sometimes we’d take off the most breakable things. Often not. We were daring.
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