Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I just shake my head and smile. I’m like, “I love the way you refuse to take S, H, 1, T from people, Honor. As a matter of fact I’m taking a leaf out of your book. I’m getting the tattoo done.”
I’m like, “I did. But this has helped me see the world from a totally different – I want to say –I’m like, “You were eight years old, Honor. Here, by the way, are you really – I don’t know, whatever that word was that you used?”have a life-threatening condition like that it’s the kind of thing that I should possiblyShe’s there, “Dad, there’s no such thing as hypopluthalmic.
I just made it up to make that woman feel bad, then fock off and leave me alone.” I just shake my head and smile. I’m like, “I love the way you refuse to take S, H, 1, T from people, Honor. As a matter of fact I’m taking a leaf out of your book. I’m getting the tattoo done. It’s going to be a late 40th birthday present to myself.”“Ronan’s mate, Nudger, has just opened a place on, like, Talbot Street. I think it’s called Tatts Entertainment.”“Mom is going to go – oh my God – batshit crazy. It’s bad enough that you asked the borber to cut the boys’ hair like– er, what’s his name?”“No,” she goes, taking the newspaper from me, “I think it’s hilarious,” and she takes a photograph of the picture using her iPhone. “There’s this app that creates, like, silhouettes from pictures. You can show this to them in the tattoo place.” She holds up her phone and I’m like, “Wowsers!” because – yeah, no – it’s the man of the moment in, like, perfect silhouette.Yeah, no, this agency took two K’s from me to create a portfolio of, like, photographs of me.I’m there, “They’ll just have to accept me the way I am.”“Because,” she goes, “it says they can let anyone use your photographs any way they want without evenI’m there, “Whatever. I’ll get Hennessy to send them a letter, telling them to tear up the contract while threatening to crush them. Come on, let’s go and pick up the boys.” We stand up. Honor gives the owner a major filthy on our way out. We pop next door and the boys are sitting there, delighted with their new Mohicans.The borber’s like, “Thanks – although I’d imagine they’ll be back in an hour or two once your wife sees them.”He goes, “Yeah, that’s what all the dads say.” As we’re walking out the door, the dude goes, “Here, I saw your billboard! Must have got paid a fortune for that, did you?”I’m like, “Er,Out the door I shoot – like James Lowe, my feet don’t even touch the ground. I race down the road, with Honor – laughing – and the boys haring after me. I suddenly stop, we’re talking dead in my tracks. Because there’s the Rossmeister, on the gable wall of a shop, 20 feet high, in all my glory. I’m wearing, like, a white shirt with a pink, cable-knit sweater loosely knotted around my shoulders. I’m throwing a rugby ball up and down in my hands and I’m grinning like a focking idiot.Then underneath – oh, Jesus, no! – it’s like, “Talk to your phormacist about adult incontinence.”“Oh my God,” Honor goes, her hand over her mouth. “Oh my –
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