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We’re trying to lure Bernie from Bray into sending some incriminating texts to me when Hennessy decides to up the ante
Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bray of all places have been – in fairness – texting each other, and the dude is reading through the exchanges, some of which are pretty, it might be a word,” he goes, ripping the piss out of me.
“I can’t believe you’re not a virgin. ”Paul Howard on his first non-Ross novel: ‘Humour can puncture pomposity. Which is why pompous people don’t like it’Brian, Johnny and Leo are pulling faces like they’re constipated.
‘They’re looksmaxxing’I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying? Dude, what are you–? ”” and he actually sends it to her. I’m there, “Dude, that doesn’t sound like my voice.
I was building up to inviting her to a match in the RDS. ”He goes, “She wants to know what’s your wildest fantasy. ”He rolls his eyes, then storts typing again. He’s there, “I’m telling her that you’ve got quite the imagination.
”I’m like, “As in–? ” “Those two-tone pants with all the pockets that electricians and plumbers wear. Where are we going to get you a pair of those? ”He goes, “I got a plumber in the kitchen!
” and the next thing I know I’m following him down the hallway, going, “Dude, what are you doing? Dude, what the fock? ”“The trousers,” Hennessy goes.
“Here,” and he storts peeling notes off a wad of a fifties that’s as thick as I am stupid. The dude whips off the trousers, no further questions asked, and Hennessy hands them to me, telling me to put them on. I’m there, “Yeah, no, can I just remind you, the idea was just to get some incriminating text messages out of her to show the old man, not to have actual sexual relations with the woman.
” He goes, “Look, you don’t have to actually go through with it. Anyway, you’ve no choice in the matter. I’ve told her you’re coming around. ”“She says she’ll be upstairs in bed.
She wants you to shout up the stairs that she has a blockage in the cistern – that’s why the toilet won’t flush. ” The plumber dude goes, “If it’s a problem with the flush, the issue is more likely to be a scaled valve seal, or maybe the float is set too high so that you’ve water entering the overflow tube. ”I’m there, “Did you say a scaled seal valve? ” trying to buy myself some time here.
Half an hour later, the two of us are in Hennessy’s cor and we’re crossing the – believe it or not – Dorgle on the way toanything. You can make your excuses and leave at any point. We just need to break this spell that she’s cast on your old man. ” Hennessy pulls up outside a gaff in – yeah, no – Ordmore Pork.
I get out of the cor and Hennessy tells me that my orse looks good in the trousers. I walk up to the front door. It ends up being open. I honestly feel like I’m in a badI step into the gaff, feeling ridiculous.
I stand at the bottom of the stairs and I shout, “You’ve a blockage in your cistern! Either that or a something valve something-something! ” All of a sudden, the old man steps out of the kitchen, going, “Kicker! What the hell are you doing here?
”I’m like, “What the–? I thought you were playing golf in–? ”No good ever comes from me thinking fast.
“Well, I was reading that everyone will be doing something similar when AI takes away all of our jobs. And, what, Bernie told you about the cistern being blocked, did she? ”“I’ll, em, definitely take a look. ”A minute later, as I’m taking the lid off the cistern, my phone all of a sudden beeps.
It’s a message from Bernie. And I don’t even need to look at it to know that it’s a laughing emoji. Ross O’Carroll-Kelly was captain of the Castlerock College team that won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup in 1999.
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No prenup’ Listen to ‘Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup’‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!
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