This article explores the challenges faced by modern mothers, arguing that the last wave of feminism failed to address the unique struggles of motherhood in today's society.
The last wave of feminism stopped at marriage and employment and forgot to sort out motherhood. Recently, I lost the line as to where normal daily stress ends and where it becomes an issue. Without noticing, I had slipped into a part of me that I didn’t like. I was perpetually exhausted. I was ratty. I was not grateful. If you’re a mother of young children, this feeling probably sounds familiar. I’ve been writing about the hard parts of being a mother for five years now.
And there is one thing I have figured out – it’s time to stop asking for help and to take matters into our own hands. Because while everything changes, nothing changes. Creches are overflowing yet unable to pay their bills, Government seems resolutely untroubled by the childcare struggle and the lack of mothers re-entering the workforce. The mythical “village” is at capacity and geographically stretched. Older generations are watching their pensionable age get pushed further down the road and friends are spinning plates of their own. Yet we are a powerful generation of women. We have grafted and moulded careers that we love, working harder than we thought possible, saying yes, managing up, digging out, early mornings, late nights, no expenses. And we didn’t think much about anything as we ran up the ladder. We learnt how to negotiate, how to manage, how to ask, how to make it happen. And boy, did we MAKE. IT. HAPPEN. And then, just as a glimmer of an easier life appears, the whispers begin. “When are you going to put down some roots?”, by which, they mean babies. And it’s what I longed to do. I read the books, learned the terms, bought all the things, prepared myself and my body. I even used an Epi No three times a week, for God’s sake. I presumed I could have kids and continue to “balance” a job while also having some semblance of self-care, exercise, a good diet, healthy friendships and perhaps even a hobby. I watched older generations of dads go golfing and mums play tennis every weekend. I ticked all of the same boxes: I have a mortgage and a TV licence. But the realities of modern motherhood are different. Here I am, at 9.30pm on the landing singing “Puff The Magic Dragon” for the tenth time while writing an article, worrying about our children’s late bedtimes impacting their concentration in school and whether that team member is going to manage the new budget considerations without another Zoom meeting. All before a night of broken sleep, and all after a day of a frenetic blurred work and home life. I spend hours every week listening to friends with shaking voices. Powerful women, vulnerable and despondent because once again they were ratty with their partners, lost their temper at their kids, or just can’t think straight. They don’t know what they’re doing wrong, but something has to give. They want to quit their jobs so they can be there for their kids… but they don’t want to quit their jobs, because they love their jobs, and what was that last decade of work for? Never mind the money they need to pay for the life they currently have. And then, because they are women, I listen to them blame themselves (“I need to work on my boundaries”), blame their bodies (“My hormones are all over the place”) and blame their choices (“I let my family down by accepting this project”). Of course, the algorithm has picked up on this too. We’re served endless videos about balance (that of course we have to achieve) – work/life balance, balancing hormones, balancing priorities. These phenomenal, capable women are not failing. They’re finding it hard because it IS hard. The average working mother works the same number of hours per week as two and a half full-time jobs. We’re living in arcane financial, attitudinal and economic structures that are not set up to support us. These structures were created with one-income families in mind, where the mother stayed at home. Where communities were close-knit and supportive. Where out-of-hours emails did not exist. Where there was less financial pressure and less parental intervention. There are so many things that need to change: free early years childcare; extended paternity leave that is actively taken; family-friendly workplace policies; hybrid and flexible working as standard; continuous conversations at home about the mental load; the financial recognition of caring and homemaking as work. I could go on… But most importantly, as we fight for these changes, we need to fight for ourselves. It’s time to stop waiting. It’s time to stop carrying everything, for everyone. It’s time to stop, look around and smell the roses that are growing on our doorsteps. It’s time to say no and know you still have value. It’s time to stop finding ourselves caught between the need to be productive and the need to be present. It’s time to drop the guilt and rest, take the parental leave knowing that we deserve every minute of it
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