Male pundits urge us to 'go back to normal,' but those of us who've endured the grief and isolation of new motherhood during the pandemic know better.
were significantly shaped by the fact that in the closing months of The Beforetimes in 2019, I lost our first son in my twenty-second week of pregnancy—a traumatic loss for which doctors could not ascribe a medical explanation, and a statistical anomaly of which I only had a .5 percent chance of facing.
it’s hard for me to understand how—looking at the same set of facts—they can magically flip a switch and be who they were before. Must be nice.Trying to make sense of my feelings, I read essays on pandemic pregnancy and new parenting, hoping to see my anger and struggle in them. I couldn’t. The pregnancy-mom industrial complex has focused so many women on the individual, on being celebrated, on “magic moments” to be curated and shared, and I understand why people lament that loss.
In 2022, in America, it seems to me as if we’ve decided that some unnecessary severe illness or death among children under five is acceptable to diminish any guilt felt by these White Men With Newsletters when they look out at restaurant dining rooms that aren’t at 100 percent capacity and are reminded there is still a pandemic.
I hate that the most hopeful moment of my life, the birth of my son, happened simultaneously to my utter loss of faith in humanity and government’s role in improving people’s lives, which, for many years, helped define who I am. But I have to choose to believe more of myself, and of us, to not “move on” but to become unstuck, to change into who I want to be for myself and for our son.
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