Ask Roe: ‘I once heard 'the more toxic the relationship, the better the sex', and this has stuck with me'
Ask Roe: ‘I once heard ‘the more toxic the relationship, the better the sex’ and this has stuck with me’
As humans, we often confuse danger and insecurity as passion or lust. In a classic study in social psychology, researchers Dutton and Aron set up a study on a bridge to show how emotions can influence attraction. Male participants crossed either a high, shaky suspension bridge that made them feel scared and excited or a low, stable bridge that felt safe and unthreatening.
For people who have issues with self-esteem or self-worth, this dynamic can also play into their insecurities, as they unconsciously chase unattainable people to prove themselves worthy of love, unwittingly trapping themselves in a cycle of looking to emotionally unavailable people to validate them, which they never do, and the pattern continues.
There are a few things you can do. First, you need to shift the narrative. It’s important to unlearn the idea that healthy equates to unsexy or that passion is only tied to dysfunction. Passion isn’t a trait you either have or don’t have, it’s a skill you can build. Start by reframing how you see your boyfriend. He’s not just the “safe and steady one”, he’s also a complex, sensual person who could surprise you when given space to play in that realm.
If particular things turn you on, such as anticipation, feeling desired, power dynamics or experimentation, explore these. You could read erotic stories that engage with these aspects that could help you tap into that part of your sexuality that hasn’t yet surfaced in this relationship, then bring that energy to your boyfriend. Even better, you could share your desires with him and see if you could explore these things together.
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