Ask Roe: He is a great person otherwise and I love him dearly. I desperately want him to revert to the person he was before leaving Ireland
'I desperately want my partner to revert to the person he was before we immigrated. It makes me so sad': Photograph: Getty Imagesmore than 10 years ago as expats. We are both 40. We are planning to move back home to Ireland in the next year. While abroad, my partner has become increasingly right wing conservative in his world view, mostly I believe as a response to the cultural climate of the country that we currently live in.
This may be a deal-breaker that ends your relationship, which I think you know. Some people are happy being with partners who hold very different political opinions — but that’s not the relationship you signed up for. Your partner has changed drastically over time, and his changed values, ways of thinking, and modes of interacting no longer feel compatible with what you want in a partner.
But if you do think this is worth working on and want to address this with your partner, focus on values. Something that I find fascinating about western conservatism in particular is how little focus there is on building, developing or creating anything that doesn’t involve limiting the rights of others. There’s a very intense sense of being against a lot, and being for very little.
Then, pay attention to how he reacts. You are explaining to your partner that you feel distant from him, that his behaviour is driving you away, and that you feel like your values are no longer compatible. He either values you and your relationship enough to take this seriously and look at his behaviour and make some changes, or he values his newfound belief system and desire to feel in control more, and won’t engage with you meaningfully.
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