Home might not be quiet or relaxing or emotionally stable but it’s still where I sleep best
Sometimes, I think about moving back in with my parents. Thanks to the housing crisis, this is normal. Friends had returned to the warm, rent-free bosomy embrace of their family home to save for a house of their own and seemed to enjoy it. They talked of group Sunday afternoon walks and forming family pub quiz teams with cute names such as “Trivia Newton-John” and “Let’s Get Quizzical!”
Then I wonder if I have inadvertently drunk bong water in my breakfast tea because in my moving-home fantasies I forgot who my actual family was. In fairness, she has a point. It is incredibly annoying to clean a bathroom only to hear the sound of beard clippers being fired up or the toilet spray getting a good workout two minutes later.
Dad makes Mum look relatively normal. You cannot eat anything around Dad without him commenting on how a particular food might affect your bowel movements. “Here, have a date,” he’ll say as you reach into a bag of fruit before whipping out his favourite line – “They’ll keep you regular!” – just in time for you to get a mental picture of faeces as you chew on a little brown cylindrical treat.
Our house is small and lacks privacy, to the point where I can wear noise-cancelling headphones and still tell where my father is in the house, not from the noise of his footsteps but from the vibrations of the floorboards.
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